Letting the demons out to play…

Throughout my racing career, I have realized that cycling is about overcoming the fear of failure as well as the fear of success. Cycling is hard, and there are many solitary moments. It’s in those quiet moments when cycling is about controlling the demons that tell you “you can’t”, “you aren’t good enough”, “you’re too old”, “you’re too injured”, “you’re too mental”, “you’re too big” or “you’re too little”, etc…. Like my teammate said a few days ago, this really is not a post about asking for a pat on the back. This is my rant to let the demons out to play and quiet them down just a little bit before I lock them up again.

The pharmacist told me that my co-pay was $350.00. That is a lot of money. Being sick not only sucks, but it is expensive. It becomes more expensive if you try alternative medical treatments which medical insurance doesn’t pay for like herbs and raw food diets or raw food clinics. This week topped $500.00 in medical expenses.

But, I am motivated to pay out this money to feel better because I love the fricking energy of the team this season. This is a special season, and it’s one that I will remember for a long time. And, I really really want to be in it and part of it.

However, I am also motivated to make the payout because I am tired of being dropped in easy races and not so easy races. I want to feel great like I used to feel: like the time I beat Daniel Holloway in a track race. Ok, so he was only 15, and I had a lap head start since it was a handicap. But still, those were the fun days of racing my bike. I remember the time Mako teamed up with Cheryl Binney of the ex Diet Riet team, and we “beat up” on Shari Kain. Shari yelled “they are working together”. Yes, that was fun, and that’s what I want to do again: be part of the game not standing on the fricking sidelines.

I’m not sure if the new med is going to help my RA, and I know that there is a small chance that its adverse reactions can induce: MS, lupus, lymphoma, malignancies, tuberculosis, heart failure, and serious bacterial infections which is way worse than what I have now…but hey…what the hell. I am ready to try anything to feel better again because I’m tired of sucking up the disappointment of riding horribly and getting dropped in races and in training rides. I am fed up with not even doing training rides because I am not up to doing them.

I’ll give this new drug a try and see what happens because not only am I tired of getting dropped, but I don’t want to quit racing. For the last few years, my reoccurring thought on every single training ride and in every single race is that maybe I should just stop and accept that I am not capable of competitive bike racing anymore. That thought is worse than being dropped. Lately, I am even ready to stop pretending that it is okay to be riding lousy because I am on a “comeback” and the “fitness is still building”. But mostly, my brain is just getting tired of all my internal cheerleading and all the sad looks that my friends give me when they see how hard I am trying and how lousy I am doing. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the support of my friends, and I feel bad putting them through this. I guess they wonder why I do this to myself. I wonder too sometimes. But I continue because I used to have fun racing, and I keep hoping that maybe I’ll have fun again. So Humira, here we go. Wish me luck and no adverse reactions.

Recess is over and now it’s time to go back in.