under pressure

Kern is quickly approaching, and I feel less ready than ever before. This last week has been a most trying time. It started with my step brother's funeral and went downhill from there. My step mom went into the hospital yesterday to get a new pacemaker and a little "zolt" to her heart. At 95 years old and after just losing her oldest son, I wonder about the wisom of that decision.

Along with the family news, I saw my downer rheumatologist last week. The 4 MRIs that he recommended were not authorized by the insurance company. Well thank you very much I didn't want them anyway. I found that they were denied after I had already had one of the MRIs done. I am appealing. But, not the type of thing I want to be dealing with right now. The hemaocirit dropped down to 34 and is now officially under the normal range. Again, just in time for a series of hilly races. The bone density results came back too. What's a little spinal osteopenia on top of everything else?

So, I am trudging on and trying to get back into my Kern mode. I feel a bit sad that a lot of my season has been built upon this event, and I don't feel mentally that up to it. I guess Kern is a little more important to me than I have given it credit for being. The thing about it all is that in previous years, I couldn't wait for Sunday when it would all be over. Today, despite it all, I want to savor the weekend. I am excited to be racing and had been feeling pretty good on the bike. I'll just try to relax and let myself have a fun time. Because after all, Kern is really where I want to be with all my Bella teammates. However, there is one Bella that I will miss this year. But who knows, maybe she will be back racing next year. I am in need of new Italian recipes that she always told me about during the Woody road race.