what keeps me up at night

I could write this long post about how lousy I feel and complain about how I am stressing out over my training. Needless to say, my RA is acting up, and it makes me nervous. I think about how hobbled over some people are and how they just sit in the house and look out the window. I remember my aunt’s disfigured fingers and her scribbly handwriting. My fingers aren’t all knotted up yet, but my writing sure looks awful. It’s a bit embarrassing, but at this point I don’t really care. Thank goodness for computers.

I am a fretter. I could fret about where I’ll be in ten or fifteen years, and how abled/disabled I’ll be. But, that is just future tripping, and it doesn’t do a lot of good. One time, I fretted about our airplane seats. I spent days thinking about our seats and trying to get better ones on the aisle. After a few weeks, we had the perfect seats. I was so happy. A ten+ hour flight, and we had pretty good seats. However, when we got to the airport, we found out that our flight had been cancelled, and we were scheduled for a completely different plane with completely different seats. So much for all that fretting.

In a small way, I try and take this story to heart every day that I feel bad, can’t ride my bike, can’t put my hair in a stupid little pony tail, or start worrying about what will start hurting next. I realize that maybe I will feel worse, maybe I’ll have to stop racing because I can’t train hard enough not to get dropped by everybody and their mother. But, I know that worrying, fretting, feeling sorry for myself, and being cranky to my dear ZsaZsa won’t make anything better.

So, I try to remind myself of how it was the day at the airport and how after anticipating good seats, after fretting about them for so long and all the future tripping, it was all for nothing. Events in life can change so quickly regardless of your efforts. I try to stay thankful and appreciate the good of the moment. I try to remind myself of all the wonderful things that I’ve experienced, all the supportive people that I know, my best kitties, and of course my dear loving partner who wants me to share more about how I feel. I try to enjoy each day for what it is and what I have. What I have is a lot. But sometimes, actually a lot of times, I just want more. So instead of writing about what I want to be different, what I worry about, and what keeps me up at night, I’ll post this video. This is a new thing that has started to keep me and ZsaZsa up at night. But, this is a good thing. And, I will try and remember to be thankful for the good things in life since I do believe there is a lot of good out there. It's just a matter of perspective.